Forewarning :: This entry will be considerably lengthy. Read at your own will. It is mostly just me throwing out whatever words I can, so forgive my redundancy.
-INITIATE RANT SEQUENCE-
I dislike when people say "thanks" or whatever along those lines when they really didn't want to say it in the first place. If you want something from me but don't intend to be genuinely thankful for it then don't bother saying it, just take whatever you want from me and let it be it. If I am willing enough to let someone use me then that means I am doing it out of whatever goodness left in my heart, but I don't give a shit if you say "thank you" or whatever, just as long as you know that you appreciate it.
I always cringe or end up speechless whenever someone DOES tell me 'thank you' with full intended gratitude. I'm usually the one thanking everyone, just not used to hearing it said to me.
But of course, I get the many "thanks" and *poof* they're gone in less than 2 seconds after saying it. If you're in such a rush then just save yourself those few seconds and don't say it at all.
Most would call it courtesy or whatever, but I call it being totally fake. Don't give me your fake 'thanks" and shit and pretend that you actually appreciate my favor for you. If you really did wholeheartedly feel that they are thankful for my favor or assistance then I can tell even if they don't say anything, or if they sincerely thank me with the proper words.
I might be asking for a lot, but it's similar to a situation where you only got a "yes" or "no" answer, nothing else.
Example Conversation ::
Friend :: Hey, can you help me out? Me :: Sure, what is it? Friend :: Can you lend me like 20 bucks? I really want this new book. Me :: Okies, here. Friend :: Thanks! I'll definitely pay you back next week! *huge grin on their face*
2 weeks later...
Friend :: Omg, they have the new (some game) out already! I need another 30 bucks to get it! Hey, can I borrow 30 bucks reaaaaally quick? Me :: For what.....? Friend :: There's something I've been dying to get! PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE?! *fake frown* Me :: *thinking in my head* 'What about the 20 bucks you borrowed from me 2 weeks ago?' Uh... sure...? *forks over the $30 hesitantly* Friend :: OMG! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! *cheesy smile*
So that was just an example situation revolving around money. It was not intended at all that I am targetting THAT type of situation specifically. Just a general idea on how loosely the phrase "thank you" can be thrown around, much more than "i love you".
Here's another example ::
Friend :: Hey, do you mind if you can help me out with this small favor? Me :: Hmm, sure why not? What do you need help with? Friend :: I need you to help me go pick up a package on (something street). Me :: Oh... okay. So how do I get there? Friend :: *gives me direction* Me :: *goes to destination, picks up package, goes back to friend's place* Alrightys, I got your package. Here ya go. Friend :: Oh, okay, just put it right there. Me :: *waiting for a thank you but nothing happens* Well... okay. I'll be on my way then. Bye! Friend :: Mhmm...
At a later event ::
Friend :: Heeeeeey buddyyyyyyyyyyy! Oh yeah, I need you to help me move some boxes with me cause my family is moving soon. Me :: Are you asking me or telling me? Friend :: Ummm, asking? Hehehe. Me :: *to myself* 'That was definitely not asking.' Erm, sure I guess. Friend :: Alright, cool! Come to my house at like 5PM. Me :: Okay. *5PM arrives and I head over* Friend :: Oh great, you're here. Help me with those boxes there. Me :: *slave around for a bunch of hours* Friend :: Phew! We're finally done! Me :: Yep. Wow, it's pretty late, I should be heading home now. Friend :: Yeah, you should. Well, I guess I'll see you around then. Thanks. *shuts door before I even get to wave goodbye* Me :: You're... Welcome... -______-'' <-- My Facial Expression.
Now in those two situations there was no money involved, it was simply a favor for a so-called friend. In the first situation I didn't get a thanks at all, that's fine. But the thing was his expression, tone, and attitude showed no sign of gratitude.
In the second situation I got a "thanks", but it was so abrupt that it sounded like he was forced to say it.
I can only do so many favors and be treated as a tool when needed. So call me stupid for being taken advantaged of, but what if I go completely in the opposite direction? What if I stop doing favors and stop pleasing everyone? I take the risk of losing my not so many "friends" that I have left?
Perhaps it is destined or fate that I should lead an independent life. If there's no helping in trying to connect with others in this world, then so be it. I can deal with that.
-TERMINATING RANT SEQUENCE-
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Although her thoughts and motives are pure and generous, it just won't happen in a world like ours.
Not one single entity in our little planet we call earth are entirely identical in anyway. Whether it may be appearance or genetic structure or even mentality, which eventually branches off into beliefs and morals and what not that each individual possesses.
What I desire to discuss today (with myself most likely) is quite general, or in another approach, just broad and vague. I'm just scratching the surface, and as usual, just making a slight point.
I have always been told that my approach in thinking appears to be the type of a philosopher, I can agree with that. Although I'm pretty sure the type of theory and thoughts that spawns within me are to be contradicting and many would disagree with my deliberations. But I always go over the border while in my zone of "meditation", it's always some sort of subject where I think it out of proportion. Okay... maybe that doesn't exactly explain where I'm coming from, but if someone (or anyone) would bear with me and just follow my train of thought for a bit, maybe, I might make some sense to a single person.
So... let's explore what it's like to be inside my head for a bit.
For example, let's take a simple and perhaps common subject, world peace. Okay, world peace, everyone wishes for that right? Or... at least most people? Well, let's just say the world does wish for world peace, but there are eventually certain others who are bound to disagree and say something like "we can't have world peace because if there is complete peace then people who have jobs that deal with crime would be jobless and blablablabla." Okay, that's reasonable. But here's how I approach the topic of world peace.
The earth is inhabited by a majority of humans and some lesser considered organisms; animals, plants, and... I don't really know what else. Okay whatever, well for a planet that is pretty much overruled by its inhabitants, namely us humans, we have the power to do whatever we want, right? So, I believe that world peace is actually achievable. How so? Well, of course we would have to take in a considerable amount of cooperation of pretty much every single human on earth. Sounds hard right? Not really. How do you think people keep a job? Even though they may or may not like/love their career/job they still put up with it and work because they need the money to survive and what not. Okay okay, not everyone manages to keep a job, but onto the next matter of affairs.
So sidetracking a bit... let's skip to the folks who have a tendency to commit crime and whatever else type of offense. Hmm, why would they do so? I guess some for the pleasure in attaining something through the means of not working for it, and some through the means of having no other choice because they are in a dire need of whatever the hell they need. Toughy. Well, technically crime does and does not pay, and people are not absolutely subjected to doing so. Lack of education, experience, ability, motivation, or just not giving a shit? Well, maybe we have to consider the fact that these individuals are not getting the proper help they require. Some are slow learners than others, some just don't have the right opportunity or connections, some just lack the skill to attain the appropriate ability for a task and take longer to get it right, some just doesn't see the goal as worth while as others, and some... well... obviously they just don't give a shit, but why? If people were to cooperate and help others and make sure that we are all focusing on an agreeable goal, I am quite certain the job can be done.
(If anyone has read up to this far, then please be reminded that I am just making a point and pulling out general examples. Be it noted that I am not considering every single factor into the discussion, because that would just take me freaking ages. Wow, I should totally make this into a paper for a class if I ever have to.)
And now, for those who say crime needs to exist for the sake of jobs, doesn't that sound a bit redundant? What if there were alternative jobs opposed to lawyers and law reinforcement and what not? If there were no crime and no jobs needed to fight crime, then why not just create other beneficial/useful jobs? Like, something to deal with financial crisis, homelessness, and what not, because world peace simply means no violencebetween the nations of the world, and pretty much just no violence on earth, right?
So, I've been spewing out probably nonsense to the majority and most likely no one understands what I'm trying to get at still. But as usual, I always try to make sure I have some sort of evidence before making an argument, at least I think I do. o_____o'' Anyways, my general point is, if we all can help each other out and not be the selfish bitch we all really are, we can eventually attain some sort of generic "world peace". Let's just pretend the world was not in shambles yet, and we do as I proposed here. It would work out right? Of course in our current situation, the plan seems impossible. But if our world had not begun in the way of the past, world peace would have existed already.
Okay, still lost? (I am seriously horendous at explaining ANYTHING.) In general, if people can summon the will to cooperate and help others, there will be a sort of stablized ambience in our world. Ta-da! There's my argument and point of the day. (FYI, I just got lazy in trying to explain this and cut it short here.)
I think this might be a common issue among most people, but for me, it's a pressing dilemma. I have a HUGE tendency of speaking or doing something before I think about them, and therefore, it usually ends me up in a pretty sloppy mess, bloody splattering against the walls and what not... haha, I wish. But in any case, that isONE of my many gruesome flaws.
It is especially difficult for me to perform any beforehand thinking when I am pressured or while I am occupied at the moment.
For example, my mother loves to ask me questions (any question) while I'm busy with something, whether it may be doing homework (rarely), something on the computer/laptop, talking on the phone, eating, watching something, in the bathroom, and most of all, when I'm trying to get in on some "decent" sleep. So I suppose I've spawned a habit of just saying whatever she wants to hear, that way it will shut her up and stop bothering me. But afterward, I say "What did you say again?" because I actually didn't hear a thing of what she said and only had told her what she wanted to hear so she would stop badgering me for the moment. And then she starts yelling and bitching that I wasn't listening or paying attention, and I would tell her that of course I weren't able to listen or pay attention because I was already listening and paying attention to something else. Sheesh!
This pretty much applies towards my actions as well. I just say something like "Okay, I'll do it later." and then end up not doing it because I've only said it to shut whoever the hell it was up. Not only that, sometimes it prompts the wrong intended action I meant to say or express. Such as, someone asking me if I wanted to go out but I responded no because I was busy at the moment and that would had most likely shut them up pronto, when I actually meant, yes I do want to go out but give me a few moment to discuss the details because I am busy at the moment. You see there, saying "no" is so much more simpler and quicker than the whole "yes, but blablablablabla......" Then afterward, I regret what I had said and is already too late to take back my words because they probably have moved on to something else and my more appropriate answer wouldn't have mattered at all by now. So I'm just sitting here bitching at myself for being so stupid and saying the right thing at the right moment. *facepalms*
Well anways, I'm just throwing out a general idea of what I have to deal with, although it sounds pretty vague even with the examples (in fact, I think the examples made it even more confusing). But nonetheless, I'm just getting a point out, and in most cases most people like to disagree, and very few agree, whatevers.
I finally got to editing the video of my nephew which I recorded in Malaysia of Summer '08.
I miss my adorable little nephew! x3 He's such a little rascal, but he's so cute and funny as hell, and I love him to death. I kinda want my future kids to be similar to him, I would be entertained for life. XD
I feel absolutely useless right this moment. I am completely incapable of the ability to say the right things at the right time. In fact, I am just left utterly speechless. Whenever a friend or even a family member runs into a tragic incident, I find myself unable to express the proper comfort they are looking for during that moment. My mind races in a search for applicable words but they are just no where to be found. However, the thoughts in my head are shuffling in a cycle of "Oh my god, are they okay? I hope they didn't get hurt." and "I wish I was there to help them during the incident." and all sorts of similar considerations. Despite my flowing thoughts... I am left with a total blank stare and no form of speech to express my concerns for the individual(s). I feel really guilty and grief-stricken that I couldn't let the person/people know that I am worried about their run into an unfortunate event. They probably think I didn't care and that I didn't want to say anything so I didn't have to listen to their problems.
I remember once back when I was still in Junior High School (like 11-13 years old?), I was walking on the streets with my mother. We then stopped at the corner of a block waiting for the lights to change, and there was this man standing near me and was sorta staring at me, and my mother smiled cause she though he was being nice or whatever insane thoughts he was thinking about. About a few minutes later when the lights changed green, he yanked the gold chain my mother was wearing, but my mom reacted fast and she managed to pull it back before he was able to steal it. He then hopped onto his bike and was yelling at my mom to give him the chain. My mother then yelled back that she is doing nothing of his demands and he rode off on his bike because people all around were approaching. I can't believe the nutjob actually had the balls to rob someone in broad daylight with many witnesses around. But a few minutes later a man from across the streets came over and asked if we were alright and offered to call the police, and my mom said we were fine and there's nothing to worry about. During the whole time I just stood there staring blankly at everyone while my mother was almost mugged, I felt absolutely incompetent. After all that, my mother and I walked a few blocks away from the scene of the incident, she then stopped and asked me if I was alright. Right then and there I just started bawling nonstop. I was so upset and angry all at once. I never wanted to see my mother get attacked like that and yet I didn't, or rather, couldn't do anything to stop it. But in the end, she assured me that everything was okay now and I didn't have to worry. Although I've heard comforting words, it didn't stop the feeling of me being a useless child.
A similar situation happened to a friend of mine today, however, I don't think it's right for me to disclose the information without proper consent. But it was because I heard of his incident that reminded me of my past and got me thinking back tp all the moments when I could have done something to help someone, or express some sort of sympathy, but didn't.
I also remember how some of my friends would get into fights with other people/strangers and the same exact, fear(?), strikes me and I just freeze up and stare blankly while the whole mess is going on right in front of my face. I guess now I can't blame anyone for saying I don't deserve them.
My mother occasionally asks me (sometimes jokingly) why can't I be nicer and why do I have to always be (quoting her) "such a mean boy." She also says I was so sweet and adorable and what not when I was younger, but I've changed now. It never really occurred to me that I was being a heartless bitch 24/7. But I supposed during some part of my past (can't remember when) I've gotten so accustomed to my hostile attitude, I've adopted it as my own persona. Although realizing this fact, and admitting it to myself that it's true and not some shit people are making up, I still find it hard to reverse the effects of the grouchy-bitch-syndrome.
I know that I like to joke around saying I'm a heartless evil bastard, the spawn of Satan, a cruel demeaning bitch and what not, but truth be told, I actually do feel sympathy for people when they need it most, as well as anger when they've been treated wrong or unjustly... I just don't know how to express it in an appropriate form.
What do you call someone who cannot muster up the valor to show compassion and the ability to defend someone? Would you call them a coward? Or maybe a psychotic wackjob who thinks it's languishing to show signs of tender emotions? Whatever it may be, I guess I am just kinda coo-coo.
Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me? -___________-''
I guess this is a forewarning to people that I am not the right person to go to for comfort.
I bet I'ma end up living alone being the grouchiest bozo ever. I might as well just move into a garbage can, just like Oscar the grouch, haha.
